A rock.

I wanted to be a bird
with wings
oh such wings...
feathers stretching open wide
feeling the warm air wriggling between each fluffy strand
wings to soar and wings to fly
And a long graceful neck
reaching out towards the open, and waiting, and impenetrable sky
I had seen their kind before...
The birds
I had seen them
flitting sweetly through the air,
hollow bones and soft sweet feathers...
weaving in and out of the sun soaked air
I saw them,
and I saw freedom

But I was a rock.
Sturdy, steady. Sure.
Weighted in the ground.
I was boring.
I was a rock.
One of millions
A small chunk of matter, chipped off of something else
Something grander, something greater.
I was not grand, and I was not great.
I was the unnecessary
the excess.
And knowing this tore at me
I dreamed and I yearned and I lusted...
of adventure, of life
of feeling a steady pulse of a beating heart inside me
to tell me I was real
to tell me that I mattered.
But I was a rock.
Sitting for all of eternity in the same
comfortable
safe
wretched spot.
Trapped in the same moist earth from the time the sun rose and the sun fell
day after day.
Oh how I hated the earth,
hated the way it nuzzled itself around me.
The earth loved me.
Oh how it loved me...
silently
but strongly...
...so strongly...
I did not know
I never realized
perhaps I was naive,
perhaps just self-absorbed
I was far too busy grumbling
Entranced and completely wrapped up in my own misery
Unaware of the earth's sweet whispering breath upon my cold figure.
I simply wanted.
Needed.
Desired.
Oh, I wanted to fly
wanted to fly so far
that I fell into the formless fabric of the sky
rolling in it's sweet embrace,
drenching myself in the intoxicating smell of sunshine,
oh how I wanted...
but,
I was left wanting
for I was a rock
eternally entrenched by my own weight.

I sat in that dirt for years
just watching the earth spin and the stars move.
I felt sorry
sorry for myself
and pity... pity for my own existence
felt degraded.
"Earth." I scoffed.
"Muck." I sneered.
"I deserve better than this filth and humiliation."
"a ROCK." I lamented.
And I struggled desperately to dislodge myself from the tender grasp of the earth.
My little patch of earth cried beneath me
somber, silent, streaming tears
knowing full well that I would not, and could not love her.
And she said nothing
as she mourned the shattered pieces of her broken heart.

One day,
a beautiful day
a spring day
a day with sunlight streaming through the trees and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves so high in the trees,
yes, one day,
I had had enough.
I had sat for too long
I was absolutely fatigued from all my complaints
and I was desperate to get out.
I called out to the sky
pleading, with all the energies of my soul, for it to take me...
to take me to it.
I called out so passionately
and then I waited.
But the sky just stared
and the clouds rolled by.
The gentle spring breeze danced around me,
taunting me
and whispering to me
"you will never be free"
I shook and strained, as the breeze swept away,
trying to lift myself from the ground by sheer will
But will was not enough.
The sweet dark earth beneath me had hold of me,
was gently clutching onto me, with such devotion and care
and then I realized.
Hot tears, stemming from humiliation and shame rolled down me as I cried,
"Let me go you foul earth!
Can you not see how I abhor you?
How your pitiful infatuation holds everything I desire out of my grasp?
I do not want you
I shall never want you."

There was then a small silence.
And the earth pulled away.

Oh, the taste of freedom!
Such freedom! Such light!
The feeling of new earth passing beneath me!
The world rushed past as I explored
the newness of it filled every part of me,
I was drunk with it.
I thought nothing could be more perfect.

Time passes, as it always has
and I rolled on
Never happy, never satisfied,
searching and wanting for things I could not find.
And seasons change
spring turns to fall,
and leaves make their journey from the air to the hardening ground,
blanketing it from the bitter chill of the air
protecting the earth.
And birds flee the sky,
searching for a place to rest,
tired,
exhausted,
wanting safety instead of freedom
their wings frozen and aching
afraid of the wind, afraid of the sky
fearful.

I don't know when I realized
when I finally knew
it was a slow understanding
it took time, and patience
and it took failure.
I would never be bird.
I would never have a heartbeat of my own.
I would always be a rock.
But, finally,
I was at peace with that fact.

Recently, I returned to my home,
where I had felt so trapped, so deprecated
And I looked on from a distance,
full of nostalgia, and sorrow,
and for a time,
I let myself be overwhelmed with remorse
When I was ready, I approached the familiar ground
Rolling onto the soft sweet earth I knew so well
I waited for it's warmth to awaken, for it to find me upon it and hold me fast like it had before
I waited for the moment when I could finally ask forgiveness
but the ground did not move
for the ground was dead.

And it was my turn to cry.

Over a year.

It's amazing what will inspire you. What will make you want to be better, be different, to change... the people around you that you haven't spoken to in years, a part of your soul that had been untouched for so long. It's amazing how people can surprise you. Can come out of nowhere and have such beauty and grace and intelligence. It's amazing that we can be so shocked by it.
I haven't looked at this blog in over a year. And today, on a whim, I typed the url into an empty tab. And I was shocked. Blown away by not only the astounding brilliance and insight of those around me, but also by the depth of my own emotion. My own ability to create and write and feel. I guess I forgot that part of myself.
I want to be better. My path is so foggy, and I feel so lost, but I want to be better. To find assurance. To step with confidence in the direction of my dreams. I want that.
So I'm going to find that.