Dispensable.

I am not dispensable.
Not a piece of junk you can just throw away.
Nor an old paper napkin
Dirty and torn
Stained
Meaningless.
No.
That is not me.
I am not a temporary distraction
I am not your toy.
And I refuse
To play
Your game.
No,
Not anymore.
I cannot allow you to take
Your soft rubber stamp
Dip it into that permanent
Crimson red ink
And brand my forehead
"Second Best"
Right there.
Stamped on my face
Then scratched into my arms
Sewn onto my throat
Etched onto the surface of my eye.
You think it brings me pleasure?
To love you with all that I am
And see you stand by me
But never next to me
Meanwhile all I see is blurred
Blurred by the etching of your words.
"Disposable"
"Dispensable"
"Not quite good enough"
I can't just forget it
I can't let it go.
I cannot stay here on the sidelines
Taking the backseat in my own life
Invisible
Unnoticed
I will not be second best
It hurts me
With a pain I cannot quite describe
Every breath I take
Shakes. Strains.
Struggles
Against the oppressing chains you have bound me in
Suffocating my neck
That chain
Made up link by link
Of lie
After lie
After lie.
And every beat
Of my weakened and yearning heart
S l o w s .
Fa lters.
quiets
Bleeds.
From the gaping hole
That now exists
From the hacking and slicing
That your words have caused
Can you see it now?
Can you see how I bleed?
How my frame shakes with pain
I am worth so much more
So much more than this
This torturous injury
I am more important
Than your secondary label
I cannot be just
Just
The backup plan.
I will not be used
I refuse to be unneeded.
If I am not enough
I will simply
Go.
I will clear out my small
And forgotten place in your heart
Making room for another
Who can fulfill all your needs
I will not return
To this hellish ordeal
You will move on
With only perhaps
A blink
At my departure
My absence might touch you
But it will not move shake you.
But
I will be
free.
From you. And the pain
That you've caused
And you?
You will stay here.

Alone.

So how
please tell me how
are you supposed to



smile and nod




When your 3 someones

arestabbing
your



h
eart

...


?

Vent.

I'm tired.
Yes, physically tired. But more so emotionally.
It's difficult to come to terms with things sometimes. Especially the things that you know will break your heart. The things that you bottle up because you're too afraid you'll offend or hurt someone else.
The things that eat you inside out.
Usually, it's the stupid things. The little things. The things that you feel like you can't bring into the light because they won't be important enough. You will be petty. Foolish. Nobody wants to be foolish.
Nobody.
I feel like nobody lately. Which is absolutely ridiculous and I know that.
I'm not looking for pity. Or advice. I just need to get it all out.
Cause I'm not me anymore. Too much... stuff... eating away at me. I'm just left with a bitter empty shell. And I hate that.
I'm tired of it all. Feeling so unneeded. It's awful. Feeling replaced, invisible. The one people forget to invite or don't want around. My best friends don't even need me. They love me, I know that. But they don't NEED me. I'm not necessary.
And that's okay.
It's just difficult.

Happiness.

This is the best thing I've ever written. Maybe not the best in the sense of beauty or writing style. It's a rhyming poem... so it has that little kid air about it.
But the message.
The message is something I need to read everyday.

Happiness.

When you get out of bed

in the brightness of morn

be grateful, be happy

let your whole life transform

get up and get out

do some good in the world
be a person you love

watch the sunshine unfurl

lend a hand, do what's right

joke with your friends

let them love your heart
and the message it sends

and when you crawl back in bed

in the darkness of night

think back on your day

on those things you did right
because in the end 

time is a thief
and we lose more than we know

when we focus on grief

be the person who cares

live each day to the max

smile too much, laugh too hard

map out days by good acts

think of all the things you can achieve

and after all that... 


just lay there and breathe.

Old. But still applicable.

You (and) Me

Why can't you see 

You (should) want me 

I look at you (longingly) 

But you never see me 

Waiting (always) so patiently 

For you (finally)
to agree 
(with me)

that we

-you and me 
are (simply) meant to be
...can you even hear me?

Hear my (silent) plea?

I know you long to be free

But [I] just [want you] to see

That my heart still beats (achingly)

For you to be

The (only) one for me

And I ask (cautiously)

Why do you always see

Things as "you" OR "me"

As though things won't (ever) be

Seen as "us" and "we"

I've thought of questions (regretfully)

And I (think) 'm (slowly)

Beginning to see

That "we" will not (cannot) ever be

But (for now) I will wait for you (patiently)

And I ask your answer (in complete honesty)

Why can't you

Why won't you

Why don't you see

That out of he, we, and she

You (should) want me.

Nothing.

(Warning. This has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I've been in a weird mood lately. So this is completely nonsense and has nothing to do with ANYONE or ANYTHING. Keep that in mind.)

I gave it to you freely.
No thought of the consequence.
It was simple.
But symbolic.
As is everything in this life.
You took it hesitantly.
And we walked on.
The road we traveled was a ribbon of moonlight
And I trembled as we passed along it
Like a leaf in a storm
Fearful of what lay ahead.
We talked of life
The brilliance of cloudless days
The color of lollipops
I danced to the rhythm of a child's laugh
You soaked in the sunlight bouncing off the rim of the ocean
It was easy.
Far easier than I had expected.
The distance between us fell away
Melted into the shimmering past
Fading and blurring then sharpening again
Behind us
But not far.
You held onto it
My gift I had given
Loosely
Not gripping tightly like I would have with yours.
You weren't comfortable holding it
You ached to drop it in the sand
And bury it
But you were aware of me
That I was there
That I was watching you
Studying you.
We walked on
Past the lines and the signs
We fell off the earth
I held onto your hand
Ah, yes the first time
That I had touched you at all
To me, it was everything.
Right then
For one brief moment
I held onto the sun.
And you tolerated me
Let me save you from the sky
That deep immersing space that you could not escape
As the world span around us
Trying to right us again.
I did not breathe
Holding onto you like that
I could not breathe
I was afraid that one small intake
Of the clouded air
Would give me the weight to fall back to the ground.
You looked at me
For the first time
In my eyes
And you saw past their color
Gray.
And you saw me
You gasped in surprise
And dropped my hand
As though it scalded you
And I fell to the earth.
Then we were.
You. So far above me.
And me. Face first on the floor of reality.
The black and white tiles of life.
I sobbed
Wanting you
And you screamed
Wanting anything but me.
I reached for you.
To pull you to me.
Before the sky consumed you
And you were gone forever.
And you looked at me
And put your hand forth
My eyes stretched
As my hopes rang out like bells
Filling all the space of my mind
I reached out for you
And you pulled me close
My own eyes pleaded with me
Don't forget this moment.
And you grabbed my hand
And dropped it back in it.
You rocketed towards the sky
Falling into it's pattern
The onward stretching motions catching you in their spell
And I looked down
In my own open palm
And closed my fingers around it
My heart.
And as I closed my fingers.
There was nothing.

A US History Project.

Karina Gillette

Mrs. Flanagan

U.S. History

3-20-09

A Dream

I am not a speaker.

Or a poet or a thinker.

I have but small thoughts,

None of which could change the very fabric of this earth.

What I have is simple.

I simply have a dream.

My dream is all of me.

A key to the doors of the chambers of my heart.

An opening for my aspirations to flow out from my inner core

Absorbing into my skin

Forming the surface which coats my body.

I do not dream for much.

But my dream is like a rainbow

Bright with colored stripes

Layers of different intensity

But similar in their form.

I dream for the world.

A world so much different from the world we have known.

A world in which we don’t fear

Where we can have children without fearing for their lives.

As they walk one block to their school

A world in which there is no reason to distrust the policeman more than the murderer behind bars.

A world that screams out for less

Instead of more.

A world that gives like it takes.

One which has soaked up so much light from the sun

That it radiates light back

Filling every dark corner of the great universe with its glow

And still having light left over to saturate our needy souls.

I dream for my home.

A place which I can call a haven

Where my husband and I don’t have to watch each other

Drenching our pillows with tears

Never having to watch the lines of wisdom and age appear instantaneously along our young children’s foreheads.

I want eternity.

A life that I can count on.

And then some.

I dream that my children will know of suffering.

Know of it, but not know it.

I want to catch that strange warmth

That you feel when you’re small

And seeing for the first time

The ripples in a glassy pond.

I want to take that feeling

And spread ripples of my own.

Influence my children

Influence the world.

Not change it

No not me.

But I want to see another change it.

Someone I’ve touched by a ripple emanating from me.

From my heart.

From my dream.

I dream for me.

That I might have courage.

That I might feel love.

I dream that I have the strength to do my part in this shaken world.

I long for the day

In which I can just breathe.

Yes, I have dream.

And it is because I dream.

That I am.

Our Circle.

You took my hand.
Unexpectedly. Surprisingly.
Wonderfully.
You took it in your own.
And smiled.
Holding onto me.
Letting me know that we were a team.
Something that could be depended on.
Something beautiful.
You entwined our fingers.
Locking us together.
And we ran.

You pulled me along.
Beside you.
Laughing as the wind tried to push us in another direction.
Never considering that we should follow it's advice.
You knew what you were doing.
I smiled to myself, never hesitant for a moment.
Wondering where this path would lead to.
Not knowing where I would end up.

We ran for miles.
Across great spaces of land.
Jumping over obstacles like they were nothing.
Trials that alone, I would have had to crawl over slowly and carefully.
Over these, we together soared.
Smiling.
We sped past dangers.
We conquered fears.
You took me to a desert.
And you took out two sticks of chalk.
You put one in my hand.
We drew it together, you and I.
A circle, big enough for perhaps two.
Maybe a few more.
Drawn unevenly on the ground.
Lightly.
But with so much joy.
We climbed inside it.
And there we sat.

We discovered something that day.
How to create.
How to dream.
Not exactly something new, but something different.
Something that would change us.
We made stones.
Not rocks, no. Not pebbles.
Gemstones.
At first, it was easy.
We joked and laughed.
Made faces.
And the playful moments shaped themselves.
We barely had to assist.
We simply put our hands together, and applied the lightest amount of pressure.
Laughing all the while.
And there it was.
A sapphire, a ruby.
An emerald.
Some were larger than others, and others of greater quality.
But they were precious stones.
Always beautiful.
It was carefree, it was simple.
We created hundreds.
Enough to fill our little circle.
But it was never too many to us.
We did nothing with them for any material benefit.
They were not used as earrings, not to be bought or sold.
They were just something to play with.
To hold. To remember.
The stones were pretty.
Shining brightly, luminous in the sun.


One day, we tried something new.
We talked instead of joked.
We cried instead of smiled.
We shared those most painful memories and darkest thoughts.
The ones we had always thought we would need to suffer through alone.
We released them, carefully, into the circle.
Not knowing what would happen.
The coal.
I was afraid to release mine.
Afraid that you would jump out from the circle.
Running far to another circle, a safer circle.

One without me, and my problems.
Afraid that the ugly black exteriors would tarnish the other stones.
It was terrifying.
But I brought them out anyway.
You asked me to.
And you brought some too.
We shared them with each other.
Not knowing why, or what to expect.
We held them together.
Feeling such love for one another.
Applying a greater pressure than we had used before.
We felt the intense impact of love.
The force of the understanding and empathy.
And it helped mold us, shape us, move us.
Helped us discover a new pattern.
A new way to shape.
And somehow we created something new from that little black lump.
Those moments were rare. Where we created diamonds.
Lone diamonds in a circle full of colorful gems.
But those diamonds were beautiful.
Brighter, clearer, perfect.
The most powerful stones of all.
Able to cut through any other memory.
Those became the most precious of all.

The circle became tighter.
A cocoon wrapping us inside.
Covering us from the temptations of outside life.
It was a wonderful circle.
Where we could laugh and play.
Silly and happy.
Filled with the gemstones that we created together.
Memories.
Moments.
Love.
We came to depend on one another.
Wishing for more hours in a day to create.
Wanting more than a scattering of stones across our circle's floor.
Wanting enough to cover ourselves completely.
We could never have enough.
Others tried to come inside our circle occasionally.
At first, we let them.
Glad to happy the extra company for a while.
But soon, our circle tightened.
And all the extra space was filled with gems.
And others would ask to come in, and we would gladly oblige.
But after a few seconds of looking around for a place to sit, they would change their minds.
Not eager to sit uncomfortably on the stones on the floor.
We didn't notice for some time.
That people stopped asking to come in.
We just kept creating.
Happily.
Once we did notice, there was not much to do.
The circle was small.
It couldn't be enlarged without bursting.
And we loved our circle.
We could not give it up.
The risk was too great.
For if we let the circle break, what would happen to our stones?
No. We could not.
So there we stayed.
Choosing to ignore our own exclusiveness.

Years faded before us.
We stayed as we were.
Occasionally finding extra treasures in the midst of our gems.
Two stood out above all others.
One beautiful, shining and colorful.
The other plain, and blackened.
Two heart shaped stones.
They each belonged to one of us.
And had been thrown into the pile, along with all our other gems.
But soon we found each others.
Lying there.
And we picked them up.
And held them close.
We felt their strange warmth.
Something that made them different from the rest of the cold stones.
We gave them away.
Just to each other.
Promising to keep the others safe.
To keep the others warm.
And that is what we did.

Time passed.
The circle became smaller still.
We didn't mind.
But there wasn't room for two.
So we became one.
Half and half.
Sharing everything.
Attached.
Opportunities danced before us.
Just outside of the circle.
Taunting us.
Daring us to step outside on our own.
But we didn't.
We didn't need to.
We had all we wanted.
You let me need you.
I let you depend on me.
We were a single person.
Sisters.
The circle was our world.
And we were happily sitting inside it.
The others outside recognized our circle.
Respected it.
For the most part.
They did not try to destroy it, or break it.
And we appreciated them for it.
We became known as one.
Our names connected, always considered a pair.
We tried to share our stones with these others.
To show them their beauty, and to show them how to make their own.
But when the gems were placed gently in the palm of another, just outside the circle, they turned to dust.
Nothing more than a few glimmering specks.
This worried me.
What would happen... I thought.
If we should leave this circle?

One day I was dreaming.
Playing with a stone and remembering it's creation day.
Not thinking of anything more than the joy it brought me.
I did not watch you closely.
Did not see you catch the eye of a passing chance.
I was not looking at you close enough to see your eyes spark and your head snap to attention.
I just played with my stone.
Smiling to myself.
You watched the chance longingly.
Desiring to follow it.
And you looked at me, quietly laughing at a silly stone.
One of the first we had created.
You had to decide whether to go.
You was afraid.
Afraid of what would happen if you left the circle.
And yet afraid of letting this chance get away.
And you chose to chase it.
You stood up.
And I looked at you in surprise.
For you see, we were attached.
One person.
And I did not know your intentions. Until you looked at me. I could see it there. In your eyes. Your eyes looked like the world.
They shined.
Your dreams and desires, only a step away.
I wanted that for you.
I wanted you to seek that joy.
But I realized, that that one little step you had to take.
It was just one step outside our precious circle.

My eyes widened in fear.
I would be left alone.
You would be gone, chasing some far off chance.
And I would sit.
Alone.
Helpless.
With nothing but our stones.

Our cold and lifeless stones.
I did not want you to go.
I shook my head in disbelief.
Defiant of the yearning look that you so plainly gave me.
Racking my brain for any sort of logical reason to keep you with me.
I found none.
You looked at me.
Asking for my opinion.
Wanting to see me smile and say,
Go on. Take your chance.
Desperate for that.
And I could not deny you that.
I gave you my support.
And helped prepare you for your journey.
I fought back my tears, and smiled shakily instead.
Only at nights, when you were sleeping and dreaming, did I let them escape.
Silently sobbing.
And wondering.
And needing.
I caught all those tears.
I put them in a vial.
Knowing that they could not touch you.
For they would wake you, and you would notice my streaked face.
I would not let myself stand in the way of your dreams.
I would not be that selfish.
So, every morning, I emptied that vial just outside the circle's line.
Watching the tears turn to ice.
Then melt away in the sun's glaring light.
And then helped you ready yourself.

On the final day, we both knew it was time.
You were ready.
Although I was not.
You and I looked around our circle.
Not sure exactly how to say goodbye.
I traced the patterns of the diamonds and rubies.
Just feeling them.
And remembering.
I memorized them.
Just in case they ever should disappear.
I found something there, lying on the ground.
I held it out to you.
My heart.
You smiled, and reached for your own.
Lying there, between a garnet and an opal.
We reached for each others, preparing to trade.
We grasped each other.
2 hearts, 4 hands.
Just holding on for one last moment.
And one glimmering tear trickled down my face.
I barely noticed it fall.
And so I failed to catch it.
But you didn't.
You brushed it aside.
And held it tight.
Creating one last diamond.
A small one.
But a brilliant one.
I held onto you for another moment.
And then braced myself for the next move.
I stood quietly and still, while you wrenched yourself apart from me.
It was painful.
And slow.
But eventually, we were separate.
I gathered a pile of stones for you.
Some of my favorites.
Many of the most important ones.
The ones that had shaped us originally.
And I handed them to you.
For your departure.
You sewed them into your hair.
Your shirt.
Your shoes.
Everywhere.
Hoping that once you passed the circle, they would remain a part of you.
And I reached down, and took that circle in my hands.
And broke it.
Leaving a small gap, just big enough for you to get out of.
And so, I sat down.
Blanketing myself with the rest of our stones.
Sitting directly in the center of our circle.
And I watched you turn.
You took that terrifying step.

The one I could never have made myself.
Past the boundaries of our circle.
To take that chance.

You didn't turn to dust.
You didn't melt in the sun.
You shined.
And I stared.
And I cried.

So here I am.
Still sitting.
Waiting so patiently, for your return.
I've expanded our circle.
Let others come in.
Never replacing you.
Just adding to our pile.
I've left our circle once or twice.
To see what the world has to offer.
It has been an adventure.
But nothing like our circle.
So I always come back to the circle.
And sit and smile.
Playing with the stones that lay on the floor.
Well, most of them.
I've used many to sew myself back together.
I needed something to fill the gaping hole I was left with once you split from me.
I chose to use our stones.
I miss you.
But I know you'll be back.
You'll come back here.
And I'll still be waiting.
And when I see you there.
Standing at the edge, not knowing exactly how to come back in,
I will take your hand.
And I will smile.

I'm not funny.

Sometimes I think I am. But then I realize that I'm really not.
So this blog is going to something very different for me.
Something very personal, odd as that may sound.
I'm not going to have silly things on here.
It's just going to be honest.
My heart is on the line here.
Poetry. Journal entries.
Real things. That I feel like I should be able to share, without having to send them out personally and exclusively.
That's what this will be for me.
I doubt anyone will read this.
It's not interesting, or fun.
But it's me.
And it's a form of me that isn't seen very often.
So here I go.
Diving right into the unknown.
Yes.

I had to make a new blog.

Because my old one was too embarassing.
Don't try and search for it.
I didn't use a real name.
<3
Now I can track Rachel's Mexico trip.
Nobody will ever read this except her.